I'd love to hear your advice on my relationship woes!?

My relationship makes me feel like I'm on emotional autopilot a lot of the time. When things are good between us, I'm very happy, but when they're bad, oh, so bad...I can feel emotionally exhausted. Episodes can be about small things, like my accidentally buying the wrong flavour crisps for him, or him insulting my family (calling my 99yr old grandfather a 'motherf****r') or saying that my friends (friends of about 10yrs) are no good, etc. There was also an isolated incident in jan 2008 where he went out for some drinks with some of our friends (this was fine with me, I wanted to stay in) and later came back to my flat (with 2 of our friends, both girls) and I cannot remember how/why (it's a bit of a haze for me now, even tho i was sober) but I was on my bed, he started hitting/slapping me in the face repeatedly and generally shoving me around. Again can't remember how/why, but the two girls (both me and my partners mates) were trying to help me/calm him down, etc etc. because he had had too much to drink. Next morning he was crying down the phone to me saying he felt ashamed of himself, it would never happen again, etc. As I say, this kind of violence (I had a couple of small bruises, a minor cut below my eye) has not happened before or since. He has since destroyed/damaged some of my material possesions, including marks from fist left in walls etc.(he said at least i'm doing this to material things and not to you) But the jan 08 episode, in particular left me in the state i'm in. Since it, when we have been going to go out and have quiiite a few drinks with friends, I have often said I wouldn't go, cos I'm very worried that this could happen again if he was drunk enough. I just feel that I can't trust him with this issue 100%. Its 3yrs that we're together now, and when he very sweetly reminded me of this the other day I felt not pure bliss but more like feeling sick, (as in what the hell do I keep doing this to myself for, we need to break up (as much as i love him). When he says to me i love you, which he does, often and very nicely, of course i love him, BUT i feel inside really bad like I just cannot get over all this stuff that happens in the bad times of our relationship. Of course it's very nice a lot of the time, (I wouldnt be with the guy otherwise!) but the lows are so low that they cloud the good times (at least for me) mentally. I have effectively been dragging myself down a spiral mentally/emotionally for the last 3yrs and am so tired of this crazy unstoppable yo yo that seems to be our relationship. We're very similar, both very passionate, and of course neither of us are saints. I'm sure I have said stuff to him/done stuff that hurt him. But as I'm not in his brain, I can't properly give his perspective. This is the perspective in see in my head. PLEASE help and give your views.... Thank you all.I'd love to hear your advice on my relationship woes!?
If you REALLY care this much for him then it's pretty clear to Me what you have to do here:





1. Tell him that either he quits drinking or you'll leave. Love is a beautiful thing but you have to love yourself enough to know that you're worth living a life where you're not miserable. I'm a realistic person so I don't expect a storybook romance but... you shouldn't feel like you are with someone who scares you (you should tell him that he scares you when he gets to drinking and acting like that). If you DO take this path, show him your support and quit drinking with him, and tell him that you'll do this with him beforehand. Show him that you're willing to sacrifice in order to make things work. You may not have a problem, but coming from somebody who once upon a time was a VERY serious alcoholic; well... we can spot our own kind and he DEFINITELY fits into that category. You already know this. You just needed someone else to say it. (IMPORTANT NOTE: DO NOT HAVE AN INTERVENTION FOR HIM! Whoever came up with the idea for these things was a moron. Think about it. How would YOU feel if you were ambushed by everyone you know? But do look out for your own personal safety. Tell a friend what's going on beforehand and have a set time of when you'll be calling them just in case things get out of hand.)





2. Couples counseling/anger management. Alcohol is a depressant and a inhibition retardant. It's also an easy out for somebody to use as an excuse for saying and doing the things that we subconsciously WANT to do but are afraid of the consequences that would result. This way we can blame it all on the booze and justify it to ourselves as not being our fault. It's a cycle: we drink because we're unhappy/upset with something and when we drink we mess things up so we're even more unhappy/upset.





If he WON'T agree to these conditions, LEAVE. But leave the door open. Tell him that if and when he decides that you're important enough to change his life for you, then to come and see you again. The long and short of it is, this guy has violent tendencies and just because he normally keeps his fits of rage directed at other things, doesn't mean that someday he won't get mad at you again and point them back at you.